I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?