*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
won’t smith
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.