Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
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“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Bless you
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
British people be like I’m Bri ish
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?