pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
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i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
2022 will be better than 2021
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.