I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Twitter remains undefeated
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore