Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
You Might Also Like
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Meow?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other