Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

Best spoiler warning ever

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?

Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*

me: are you telling me how to raise my children?

necromancer: trying to, yeah

Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?

Me: 37

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.

Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.

I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.