Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
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[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”