My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
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Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them