I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
You Might Also Like
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
This took me a second..
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans