Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups