The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
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I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.