it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
When you kidnap a writer.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks