scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck