She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
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Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
If a snake ate a cake
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.