But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
listen closely
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.