I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
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[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Yes, this is exactly right
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Bike is short for Bichael.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.