đ˝Hey aliens, Since youâre in the area can you please come get me? Iâve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
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Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesnât go there
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
January has been Januweary
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
New rule: no video games before the time youâd normallly get home from school. Thatâs going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
What base is it when he says âI know you need it badlyâ but heâs talking about sleep.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Goodnight đś
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they havenât stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just ÂŁ5.99.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
old ladies always walking past you like âyou are glued to your phone, canât even look up to see the beauty around youâ Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and Iâve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
âthis never happened to me so it probably never happenedâ
– idiots
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and Iâve never felt closer to her
If you ever hire workmen for anything, itâs CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your moneyâs worth.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”