The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
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We are the people our parents warned us about.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
The absolute effort that went into this omg
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”