Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
she has a point
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Looking at you, Jesus.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.