[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Born to be mild.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not