DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
guilty
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Webb. James Webb.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad