ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
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My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.