My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
You Might Also Like
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
God has left this place
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?