“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You Might Also Like
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me