3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
You Might Also Like
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
nyc:
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?