I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.