A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
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The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old