he was correct
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Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The fall of Netflix
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ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
What the hell happened in there??
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Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid