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Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.


Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you


Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.


COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad


They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.


Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel


I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.


Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…