he was correct
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Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My wedding will be open casket.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.