he was correct
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me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.