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@ObscureGent

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

@longwall26

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

@BoneChocolates

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

@Cpin42

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

@Tw1tter_K1tten

They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.

@ZiziFothSi

Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel

@Gennefer

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

@TheWadest

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…