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If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.


KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes


If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.


“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”


Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”

So now I have a tombstone to select


Human: [doing homework]

Dog: why aren’t you eating that


Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.


Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.


Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.