Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?