*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
“You’d better run, egg!”
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.