Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.