Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
You Might Also Like
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
How I’d get arrested…
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Perfection.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit