@ValeeGrrl

Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”

Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

@TheToddWilliams

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

@JustBeingEmma

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

@pleatedjeans

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies

@FatBottomGirl1

We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.

Let’s see if he notices.

@KevinHart4real

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@asaltiercorpse

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*