My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
You Might Also Like
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!