Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
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Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening