[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
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BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.