Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
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Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Livid.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.