ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
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I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’