[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.