Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
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Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)