*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
This kid is a star!
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.