My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
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excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Ovenable?
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule