@brandynmacd

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

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@JaySuch

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

@CafeinatedBacon

Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine

@jojipaints

Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.

@RealSudoNim

One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.

@BuckyIsotope

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

@samalmightysam

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

@The_Mentalyst

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

@noog

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

@Aspersioncast

So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.

@WilliamAder

Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.