I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.


Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine


Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?

Me: I’m.


One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.


“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.


When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.


Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.


You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.


So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.


Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.