My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
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Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Probably my best painting.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“you recording!?”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further