Probably my best painting.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.