We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
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Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.