[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
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My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.