I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
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Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.