I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.