Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I love wikipedia
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
All. The. Damn. Time.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Meanwhile in Canada…
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan